We are a certified foster to adopt family. It has been a journey of over 3 years. But after those years consisted a yo-yo of decision making, I had come to the conclusion that we needed to either go all in or end the discussion completely. My mama heart could no longer take the in-between. So after a run, I wrote this letter and sent it to my husband. If you ever wanted to know what my mind was thinking with this out-of-the-world decision, you’ll read it here.
Dear Jake,
Yesterday at church I was so emotional during worship because God has blessed us in so many ways. I wasn’t asking Him for anything, I wasn’t sad, I was just overwhelmed by His goodness in our lives. Individually, and as a family. I see our growth and I feel it. In you, me, and Reylin. It’s an all consuming gratitude. One I always want to praise Him for, always.
What did you say about the worship? That He gripped me more during the second service. That's a good word: gripped. I feel like He has been gripping us all along and now more than ever I feel HIs grip. His grip to prioritize and write. His grip in my ministry at home and being a better helper to you. His grip on being a mother and doing my best to be an optimum example for our daughter. His grip towards our ministry at church and in youth. How He is growing us, stretching us, and expecting more from us because He made us capable.
One grip that just won’t let go is the grip of adoption. And hearing you speak about it so openly and simply to others is heart swelling. Even if we haven't dove deep, even though it’s just a thought still, hearing you tell others that we are thinking about it makes me happy.
Now, let me rewind a bit before you need to do some deep breathing.
Ever since I was a little girl, I knew I wanted to adopt when I was older. How did that come about? I have no clue. Maybe I watched Matilda too many times. But either way, I just knew it was in the cards for me and that it was a desire I’d go after one day. It seemed so simple and easy back then as a child. One day I’ll adopt a baby and life will be perfect. I’ll love it, raise it, kiss it, and it will be a walk in the park. But I obviously know now, that is not the case and it’s much much more than a child’s day dream.
Even still, the lingering hope and desire is still there and it hasn't gone away in years. Some days it’s stronger than others. Some days it’s not a thought at all, and some it’s a constant stabbing in my heart and brain.
When the 3 of us are all on the couch snuggling, I think of how blessed we are, and how God has given us so much already. I love our family and I am very grateful and happy with it being the 3 of us for all of time. But, this nudging won’t go away and I don't know how to get it away. Or even if I should.
Yesterday during my run, I kept talking and asking God what I should do, what we should do. And this letter came to mind. A letter to express my feelings and my honest side of the coin to you. Giving you a chance to be in the know of what I’m thinking and feeling.
I know that I can’t do this on my own. And I most definitely don’t want to. I want this to be a 200% decision. 100 from you and 100 from me.
These are some thoughts that run through my head:
Maybe God only gave us one so that we could adopt another
Maybe I’m crazy and this life of 3 is His plan all along
Are we being selfish, even though I don’t think we are as selfish as we used to be
Are our hearts in the right place
Would it ruin what we have now
Do we really want to put our family through all that
What if we don’t try
Will this desire linger forever and turn into regret
Is God really calling us to adopt or is this just a desire I dreamed up on my own
How will we pay for it
Our lives will be forever changed
Is this something we want to put Reylin through
We would need to turn the office into a bedroom and then we would need to put the office somewhere else-maybe a cute shed in the back
And so so much more…
And here is the conclusion that came to me yesterday during that run: God has us.
He has us in whatever decision we make. If this is truly His will, He will make a way. Emotionally and financially. If this is truly His will, then we must obey and listen to what He is telling our hearts.
I think we have to try. To take a step in the right direction, no matter how small that might be. But I cannot take that step without you and without us being on the same page.
A life change will happen, but instead of us seeing it as a sacrifice, we just need to see it as a shift. Things will be different and we will not be able to do what we have been doing. But I’m ok with that.
To be able to bring in a little boy and raise him with Jesus just fills my heart with joy. We’d be a family of 4 and it brings me so much love and hope that we could bless a child, like the Lord has blessed us. Think about what this boy could become with us. With God, with our love, with our values. Think about what he could become if he wasn’t with us. All these things run through my mind and are a constant noise between my ears. Like, is there a boy cooking up in someone's belly for us now? Or is there a boy in the foster system that needs us soon? Is God just waiting for us to make this decision fully so He can bless us? Is my hormone thing, the way we’ve lived our lives, the businesses, and now the extra free time..all part of God’s grand plan?
I can picture our lives beautifully with just the 3 of us.
And I can picture our lives beautifully with it being 4.
The repeat sentence is if God wants it to happen, He will make a way. He will provide and He will take care of us. We just have to trust and believe in that every step of the way.
But again, we both have to be in this 200%, because we can’t take a step forward without each other. No time of ours will ever be the right time. No amount of planning and wishes will make it go our way. Part of that trusting is trusting God with His timing in our lives.
Taking a leap of faith is huge. And this will be the biggest decision we could make. So let's keep this communication open and see where it leads us. Unless of course you feel and know that this is not the way we should go, I'd love to hear why you feel that way. Just so I know too.
I love you, and I’m so grateful God gave us each other. I’m so happy with our lives and where we are going and where He is leading us to. With or without this decision. Know that I am on your side, your team and that we will and can get through anything together. Our past has proven that. And with God now between us and for us, we have the ultimate odds on our side.
Love,
Your wife
And this letter is what started the rolling stone. The stone that rolled into us applying and then getting certified to foster/adopt in 79 days! Many more stories come before, in between, and after this letter, but I’m so grateful God gave me the courage and the words to write this letter right when I did.